This blog entry has been inspired by someone unfriending me on Facebook. Someone, to be fair, who is not really my friend. We could have been friends (but in the spirit of continued vagueness) but my emotions counter the way Ideal Megan would act. I feel &/or had felt threatened by this person in an animal way. I realize that she did nothing wrong. I can completely see that, logically, everything I have against her is in my own head.
So does something need to be done about this? Do I owe an apology? I reach a crossroads on this issue every few weeks, & I do nothing because I want to trust that my feelings are okay (thank you, therapy) without having to compare them to some abstract ideal. In other words, I feel like the main impetus for apologizing, or even for writing this blog entry, would be because I can’t stand the thought of not being liked.
To be fair, the person I’m devoting a suspicious amount of energy to in this entry shares a similar affliction, or I suspect that she does. & it would be less of a big deal if D. weren’t involved & hurt over the fact that my feelings & my desire to be ideal are in a constant cat fight.
To be fair, I’m justifying this entry because this could be a case study to illustrate my affliction: my cripplingly low self-esteem that causes me to oscillate between high & abysmal self-regard. The fact that how I feel about, well, most things, including my feelings, is contingent upon what others think/feel/deem as acceptable about them. I’m a validation junkie. I don’t trust myself. If one person is negative/doesn’t like me, that tends to be the person I believe. This more than anything caused problems in my classroom (though the “I want my students to like me” song&dance was a vast improvement of the “I’m so terrified to fuck up that I don’t feel confident expressing what I’ve found to be true about writing to 3rd graders” song&dance.) I thrive off of creating harmony. I feel like I hardly form opinions anymore, let alone ones that are unpopular & difficult to defend.
I feel like I used to do that all the time. Well, maybe not all the time. But at least when I was practically a social hermit & it didn’t matter that I held radical opinions because I rarely discussed them. At least face-to-face or outside of a classroom environment.
I’ve wasted spent a lot of time over the past few weeks trying to figure out when this shift occurred. I can’t figure it out. It probably doesn’t matter, but I want to understand this better.
& herein lies the questions that surround my New Year’s Resolution. I want to trust myself more. I want to build my self-esteem, shred its contingency plan (ha) BUT without amping up pride/ego. Because really, the practice of naming five things I love about myself everyday, or even acknowledging myself for five things each day(occasionally, this practice less so) are contingent upon me earning something, about my hustle for worthiness in the eyes of myself/others. I imagine that those people who trust themselves, who let themselves have icky feelings etc. etc. realize to some extent that they are “perfectly made.” That it is human & acceptable to host a whole range of feelings & also, simultaneously, that they HAVE AN IMPACT. What I think/feel about others AFFECTS OTHER PEOPLE. I’m 26 years old & I don’t know this? Honestly, I don’t/haven’t given much thought to people caring whether I like them or not– the base assumption here is that I assume I don’t matter, & therefore what I feel doesn’t matter. That people don’t really care whether I like them or not when many of them are probably like me to one degree of unhealthiness or another & care what most people think of them.
& there’s the dirty other part: I like most people. When I don’t like someone or have non-ideal negative feelings towards someone I don’t know what to do. I feel like something is wrong with me in those situations. Why can’t I just glom on to the good in everybody?
When really, I want to be discerning & to trust my discernment. It’s like my experience with coffee this vacation: I could really taste the superiority of the latte made with Stumptown coffee at Cafe Grumpy over the latte I bought at Dunkin Donuts. The experience is/was well worth paying more for.
So I resolve to learn to trust that I like fancy lattes better, & that I know the difference. That I know that I feel better when I drink less & can trust that this will not leave me alone & friendless. To trust myself is to, from now on, just deal with a simple unfriending & sit with the feelings I have, be curious about them (& the judgements I attach to them, even now.)
To trust myself is to go “what do people who trust themselves do?” & to take the risk & do it. I imagine I will spend more time writing & less time on Facebook. I have imagined this before. It will take practice, patience, etc. but it will change my life in a stunning way. I can’t wait until my absolute paralysis in social situations can become past-tense. It’s a matter of making a decision, of loving myself even though I will super awkwardly force myself to make conversations at first.
I need to sleep now. I’m sure there will be more tracking how self-trust is going on here later.
(is it distrustful to say wish me luck?)