excontingent

This blog entry has been inspired by someone unfriending me on Facebook. Someone, to be fair, who is not really my friend. We could have been friends (but in the spirit of continued vagueness) but my emotions counter the way Ideal Megan would act. I feel &/or had felt threatened by this person in an animal way. I realize that she did nothing wrong. I can completely see that, logically, everything I have against her is in my own head.

So does something need to be done about this? Do I owe an apology? I reach a crossroads on this issue every few weeks, & I do nothing because I want to trust that my feelings are okay (thank you, therapy) without having to compare them to some abstract ideal. In other words, I feel like the main impetus for apologizing, or even for writing this blog entry, would be because I can’t stand the thought of not being liked.

To be fair, the person I’m devoting a suspicious amount of energy to in this entry shares a similar affliction, or I suspect that she does. & it would be less of a big deal if D. weren’t involved & hurt over the fact that my feelings & my desire to be ideal are in a constant cat fight.

To be fair, I’m justifying this entry because this could be a case study to illustrate my affliction: my cripplingly low self-esteem that causes me to oscillate between high & abysmal self-regard. The fact that how I feel about, well, most things, including my feelings, is contingent upon what others think/feel/deem as acceptable about them. I’m a validation junkie. I don’t trust myself. If one person is negative/doesn’t like me, that tends to be the person I believe. This more than anything caused problems in my classroom (though the “I want my students to like me” song&dance was a vast improvement of the “I’m so terrified to fuck up that I don’t feel confident expressing what I’ve found to be true about writing to 3rd graders” song&dance.) I thrive off of creating harmony. I feel like I hardly form opinions anymore, let alone ones that are unpopular & difficult to defend.

I feel like I used to do that all the time. Well, maybe not all the time. But at least when I was practically a social hermit & it didn’t matter that I held radical opinions because I rarely discussed them. At least face-to-face or outside of a classroom environment.

I’ve wasted spent a lot of time over the past few weeks trying to figure out when this shift occurred. I can’t figure it out. It probably doesn’t matter, but I want to understand this better.

& herein lies the questions that surround my New Year’s Resolution. I want to trust myself more. I want to build my self-esteem, shred its contingency plan (ha) BUT without amping up pride/ego. Because really, the practice of naming five things I love about myself everyday, or even acknowledging myself for five things each day(occasionally, this practice less so) are contingent upon me earning something, about my hustle for worthiness in the eyes of myself/others. I imagine that those people who trust themselves, who let themselves have icky feelings etc. etc. realize to some extent that they are “perfectly made.” That it is human & acceptable to host a whole range of feelings & also, simultaneously, that they HAVE AN IMPACT. What I think/feel about others AFFECTS OTHER PEOPLE. I’m 26 years old & I don’t know this? Honestly, I don’t/haven’t given much thought to people caring whether I like them or not– the base assumption here is that I assume I don’t matter, & therefore what I feel doesn’t matter. That people don’t really care whether I like them or not when many of them are probably like me to one degree of unhealthiness or another & care what most people think of them.

& there’s the dirty other part: I like most people. When I don’t like someone or have non-ideal negative feelings towards someone I don’t know what to do. I feel like something is wrong with me in those situations. Why can’t I just glom on to the good in everybody?

When really, I want to be discerning & to trust my discernment. It’s like my experience with coffee this vacation: I could really taste the superiority of the latte made with Stumptown coffee at Cafe Grumpy over the latte I bought at Dunkin Donuts. The experience is/was well worth paying more for.

So I resolve to learn to trust that I like fancy lattes better, & that I know the difference. That I know that I feel better when I drink less & can trust that this will not leave me alone & friendless. To trust myself is to, from now on, just deal with a simple unfriending & sit with the feelings I have, be curious about them (& the judgements I attach to them,  even now.)

To trust myself is to go “what do people who trust themselves do?” & to take the risk & do it. I imagine I will spend more time writing & less time on Facebook. I have imagined this before. It will take practice, patience, etc. but it will change my life in a stunning way. I can’t wait until my absolute paralysis in social situations can become past-tense. It’s a matter of making a decision, of loving myself even though I will super awkwardly force myself to make conversations at first.

I need to sleep now. I’m sure there will be more tracking how self-trust is going on here later.

(is it distrustful to say wish me luck?)

As my brother put it: “Happy thanksgiving! A day of remembrance of the kindness of the American indigenous population, whom the settlers subsequently killed upwards of 90% in a mass genocide”

I did not wake up feeling grateful this morning.

I didn’t sleep well. Caffeine & beer & the fact that asleep Devin likes sleepcuddles (while awake Devin swears he can’t sleep while cuddling) conspired to interrupt my dreams. & who sleeps well when stuffed with corn chips? I never do.

I don’t remember this. I bought the new issue of Whole Living with a vow that I would remember how my crappy eating was making me feel. A vow that always dissolves when the clock strikes 8pm & I want sugar.

I burned out. It’s a distinct feeling, I remember it from my senior year of college. Even my relaxation over the past few months hasn’t been relaxing, it’s been tainted by “should-be-doings.”

I keep hitting what I think is a bottom, an impetus to change. I cycle back. I talk down to myself. I maintain the most ridiculous of standards & always miss. & sometimes significantly.

I keep receiving “happy thanksgiving” texts from the people I’ve neglected this fall.

I try to be grateful. Make a practice of it. (I swear, I’ve kept a gratitude journal since the break-up as a defense against self-pity or whatever else might crop up & cropped up anyway.)

I’m at work. I can’t tell the difference between the notion of “protecting myself” & the notion of acting in my best interest.

What is one supposed to do when one’s boyfriend is going through a difficult time? The saintly, loving answer: be patient, wait.

I feel like I’ve been there before. The problem is that the expectation could become waiting forever. The problem is that I would wait with no promise that things will change.

If I believe things will change, I am ignoring a deep history that suggests this is insane. I’ve been patient before. Partners have promised change to me before, but really that’s not a valid option. My options are either to accept the situation as it is or leave–

The difference between this & past situations is that history does suggest that D. will pull through this. That I will pull through whatever’s been ailing me, too. (Namely: over three months of trying to behave like a robot with very little healthy downtime).

I rented Bridesmaids the other day. Stopped working at 9. My to-do list is a disgrace. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to make time to apply to fellowships/residencies, that I can convince myself to do it.

It’s okay (maybe). It doesn’t make me a bad person not to make decisions now, to just sit here & wait on it, to be open to the possibility of being moved or changed. It doesn’t make me stupid or weak to hold out to see if what I think I want can be what I want.

& if it does (according to who?), if I’m settling, if someone else’s idea of what might make me happy might make me happier than what I set out to try myself, let me be stupid & weak, I suppose–

(I just wish I felt happy).

*

The problem (or unproblem) is that, beyond happiness, there’s a deep-seated joy that I associate with being with D. Joy even in the difficulty & sadness. It is scary sometimes & eludes sadness. I occasionally accuse myself of being weak or this feeling as being problematic because I can’t articulate it & fear that maybe it means that I don’t feel complete on my own.

This isn’t an issue of completeness. It’s an issue of accepting that something works for me, that I might choose joy & feeling over being the smart poem, over reason.

*

I did feel happy when CA Conrad was in town last weekend.

I felt grateful for my poetry community, for being able to share poetry.

I just wish I could convince myself that no one actually feels like they know how to be a person.

*

I am grateful. Grateful for this job, what it’s taught me about what it takes to take care of another person, & subsequently take care of myself. I need to say no, craft boundaries yet still create opportunities for generosity.

Grateful for all of the people who love me even when I disappear or get drunk &/or dramatic &/or downright crazy & “too intense.”

Grateful for Boise, its foothills & rivers & budding arts communities.

Grateful for the appropriate abstractions– for faith & resources.

Grateful for second chances, that I can always try to change again tomorrow, & the next day–