Megan
Got your postcard and I am glad to see you are getting an opportunity to travel. I would like to go to Seattle and San Francisco again someday…
Packing is an emotionally exhausting process that requires more beer and Doritos than I’ve consumed all summer. It’s amazing what gets lost in the books and boxes I’ve collected over four years of Idaho: a mix cd with a booklet designed by Molly; papers and essays written in the middle of the night; handwritten letters from my dad; Devin’s musical foreplay data disc; leftover death certificates. The tea bag I stole from Jesse fell from the top of my bookshelf as I took down photographs of my dad and Jamie, Eddie, and I at high school graduation, and I became overwhelmed by all the kinds of love I’ve been privileged to experience, as well as how much I’m leaving behind. And no matter how inadvertent, the music I chose augmented my feelings in the worst way…
losing love is like a window in your heart / everybody sees you’re blown apart / everybody feels the wind blow…
Devin and I went camping this weekend to celebrate 6 months of togetherness and decided to end our relationship when I leave for New York. While this was a difficult decision to come to, I’m confident that it will be best for both of us. We both love one another, but our goals (or lack thereof) are incompatible in the long run. Still, this comes with a sadness I’ve gotten used to this year; one that arrives contrary to any logic or rationale. I know it is logical to leave and spend some time being single (for the first long stretch since my senior year of high school), but Devin and I have extraordinary chemistry and a consistently wonderful time together. Even though I know we’ll make avocado pizza together tomorrow, I feel like I miss him already…
she was numb with the terror of losing her best friend…
&it’s not only Devin who I miss already. The last time I saw Andy alone was the night before graduation. I’ve seen him three times this summer, all brief, all superficial. For a period of time he was my only confidant, and now he won’t return my text messages. I know he is one to push people away to deal with them leaving, but that’s not how I deal, so I’m not dealing with this.
I’m leaving more loves here than I ever thought I would.
I felt you in my life before I even thought to…
At this moment I feel gross. I’ve been using this slump as an excuse to treat myself poorly, and my skin has broken out. I meant to go for a jog/walk on the Caldwell greenbelt, but I only left to go to Wal*mart, sober, with Nick, to buy a Wii.
I know I have a lot to look forward to and that I thrive in rebirth, but I have to let the dying happen first. It’s okay to mourn again when I realize my dad will never travel to Seattle and San Francisco. It’s okay to feel brokenhearted– my life will be filled with different people soon, but there’s no need to minimize the impact of those who have touched me over the past four years. There’s no need to minimize the impact of leaving someone I love deeply. Of course I’m going to slouch. Of course Doritos intake control seems impossible.
But this too shall pass.
