map to my future.

As I have said many times before, I am essentially directionless and I don’t want to apologize for it. It’s another one of my soul-centered resolutions for this year– not apologizing for letting my life run its natural course, even though that can be difficult in a world stuffed with plans& panic. I was definitely hit by this this week. 

I am running through my inheritance too quickly, which I do not want to do because I have a feeling I’m going to need it as much in a few years as I do right now (see: directionlessness). In light of this,  I’m applying to tutoring jobs (xEVERYTHING ON CRAIGSLIST) and the occasional personal assistant position. I hope I find the right something to fuel my writing/creative endeavors

for now. All this being said, I have given a lot more “practical” thought to the future over the past few days in the midst of my writer’s block& personal financial crisis. Even the Daily Om was telling me that it’s okay to have goals: Without something to strive for, we stagnate and become stuck in ruts of our own making because we are unsure of what to do next. Goals are the dreams that we are willing to work for. When we set goals, we take responsibility for our lives and choose to wholeheartedly devote ourselves to our aspirations. 

And honestly, it’s not like I don’t have some idea of what I want to do, it’s that I want to do a lot, and in that overwhelming wash I haven’t seriously looked into making any of them a reality. 

In the spirit of being me, I’ve decided that I still want flexibility, variety, and options, but I have, lately, been looking at how to make these things a reality in my future. The following is my laundry list of more concrete goals, my map, will you, to the rich things I want to pursue in the next 10 years.

#1: POET-ING. I am working on this one right now by pursuing my MFA. I need to take this more seriously by devoting more concentrated time to writing, even in writer’s block. I consider this blog entry today to be a warm up, along with the free write that will follow. I plan on poeming with the superbowl on later tonight. 

I also need to be more serious about publishing. Measurable goal: four to five submissions a week until I’ve exhausted my resources. After this, send out a submission for each rejection. 

Other writing also goes under the heading of poet-ing. I need to be looking for small freelance editing and writing gigs. I need to be writing some pieces to pimp. Another measurable: I need to get my Coyote clippings while I’m in Idaho. Those were dumb not to save. 

Pat myself on the back: I signed up for a grantwriting workshop next weekend, because I will need to know how to beg for money if I’m going to continue to po-et, and grantwriting could be a wonderful day job. 

#2: PIMP MY RESIDENCY. I don’t think I’m a particularly good teacher because I suck at breaking down processes, though I’m getting better and I am full of creative ideas. With the help of two other com worders, I designed a residency based on self-publishing and self-expression. My Gipson project means that I am brimming over with theories of empowerment and the confessional, and I want to tailor this residency and teach it in a classroom next year. This means a few things. I need to get in touch with the Community Writers people at Sarah and give them a copy of my teaching path and beg them to let me teach it next year. If not, at least I will have my own high school students next year (well, own with a teaching partner, but that’s pretty much the norm for teaching artist-ry.) 

I need to keep making& reading zines myself, to keep myself current and refine my skills. Concrete: find my copy of Stolen Sharpie that went missing. I want to create at least one of my own zine/chapbooks and a collaborative one before next fall. 

Pat on the back: Community Word has provided me with a zillion resources. Best internship ever. 

I suspect a tutoring job would support this goal as well. 

#3: INDULGE INTEREST IN FARMING. After I graduate, I want to go work on an organic farm for two or three months. It would be badass to do this in Costa Rica, but this realistically and unabashedly depends on the state of my romantic relationship by the end of MFA. Idaho, Oregon, or Washington would be sweet, too. I will just need time to reset after birthing a book of poems. I will do this through WWOOF (World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms). 

How to start now: Get involved with Bissel Gardens over the summer. Farmers’ Markets/Greenmarkets up the wazoo. Visit a farm in the Spring. Also, make sure I can still keep a houseplant alive. 

#4: SEX EDUCATION. So many ways I can get involved with this. Before I graduate, I will volunteer/intern/work for Planned Parenthood  in some way, shape, or form. I will send my resume to Babeland. Also, I need to keep expanding my knowledge on the topic. This means not only becoming re-intimate with Our Bodies, Ourselves, but gaining a knowledge of things that I myself do not practice, such as BDSM. It also means keeping current with feminism, which I do by reading Bust, Bitch, Feministing , and new books published on feminist/queer topics. It means attending the Rethinking Sex conference in Philly. This shouldn’t be hard because I love it! 

#5: DOULA!: I’ve always had an interest in at least training to be a midwife or a doula. I could psychoanalyze why, but this would defeat the purpose of this post. Right now, I think keeping current with sex education is a good first step on the path to this goal, but within the next 5-6 years, I want to complete my doula training through DONA International . I also want more in depth information about becoming a midwife  in order to decide if I seriously want to take that path. 

#6: PUBLISHING. This, to me, is sorta linked with goals #1&2. I want to be on the editorial team of at least one litmag in the next 3 years. To get here, I am setting the goal of snagging an editorial position with Lumina next year. Also, depending on what happens with my job applications, I’m thinking about applying to 2-3 publishing/magazine internships. Why not?  With this: keep sending my poems out, keep making zines/chapbooks. Yes. 

#7: WHAT HAPPENED TO MUSIC: I need to get reengaged. This means e-mailing the Sarah Lawrence music department director to see if there’s any way I can still get involved. This means seeking out first a choir to participate in and secondly either a vocal coach or a commitment to singing for at least 35 minutes, four days a week. In the next two weeks (well, before Devin gets here), I need to check out the music building. Also, I want to audit a conducting component next year. This is a goal. 

#8: OTHER THINGS, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER: I’d like to have a baby or two in the next ten years. It’s weird how saying “I want a family” still feels odd&wrong in some ways, like a mini-betrayal. Of what, I don’t know: my past self, internalized misogyny feminism? I need to continue cultivating gratitude and catch up on my thank you notes– write at least 2 a week. I need to meditate at least 4 times a week. I need to spend less money, which means taking the initiative to say: “ladies, let’s do a potluck at my house, bring the thing in yr pantry that you probably won’t even cook for yourself.” It means being honest with Jacey and saying: “hey, I love you girl, but I can’t afford to go to Georgia right now because I’m living off of my savings& seeing my boyfriend is important.” I need to keep up an active lifestyle, go to the gym at least 4 times a week, check out Yoga to the People  before the end of this month. I need to plan a ski trip and research hiking/backpacking opportunities around here. I need to sell some of my stuffclutter on Amazon and e-bay. I want to help my mum with her moving, but I need to be honest and let her know that I’d prefer not to sing at her wedding. I need to not beat myself up about food because I enjoy it. I need to keep being a rockstar with the dishes& keep being kind to my roommates. I don’t need to know where I’m going to live in two years, or whether I’ll ever pursue my Ph.D. I want to at least find out about volunteering at Bluestockings. Oh, and it would be swell to find out more about the Quakers. Yup. 

 I can see myself as a homeowner with a small urban farm& a couple of pups working at one or a variety of these goals, still writing& making art with others, and keeping at being self-aware& happy. This is what I want. This is what I see for myself. 

Now I need to go write poems because this post took WAY longer than I intended, yo.