Hello, it is morning & I’m going to talk to you about spirituality– maybe. Devin& I were supposed to go to a Zen thing this morning but he was having trouble breathing while I dreamt about Christ Church & K. for likely the fifth night in a row. Still not sure what I should be getting from these dreams. Mostly they’re pissing me off.
I have a reminder on my wall that tells me to listen.
Parts I understand: a lack of closure, certainly. The abruptness. & perhaps, as I look back, I see that I, personally, as a sixteen year old, acted in a way that should make me feel embarrassed. Immodesty, the glow of a “strict father” worldview glossing my words at church. Okay to a degree because Episcopalians believe in faith, not works, though many have the heart to work… shouldn’t get stuck on details.
What do I have to admit to make these go away? Will confessing all the little details make me learn what I need to any better? Yes, I wanted to be like you, so graceful, giving, discriminate, tough… some of these qualities continue to inform “the person I want to be,” which is no longer based on the people I admired or thought of as less of failures than I thought of myself.
Social interaction remains a mystery to me. I flutter with years of programmed anxiety (is that what it is?)- I say nothing, & I’m not sure whether it’s because I believe I have nothing of value to say, or if I’d rather listen, or… mystery. I know I’m interesting& somewhat intelligent& capable, but I’m unconvinced that others want to hear what I want to here on first meeting…
I don’t know how this came around to this topic, I was talking about church. & K., & how I only think of her in waking life when I have these invasive dreams in which she is either staying or running away on a silver bicycle, initially surprised & happy to see me & as I linger, pressing for something real, she turns around, nonchalant, the complication hidden in her face. I stay in the building, hoping it will feel the same without her, but I’m always looking for her… her & the opportunity to sing.
Maybe I’ve fooled myself into thinking these two discrete elements are what I pulled from Christ Church, but it was more than that…
It has only recently occurred to me (in the more cat fur-covered corners of my self worth) that maybe I was the one who hurt her& that’s what was never dealt with. I’m the one who just one day stopped going to church. Still, this possibility never seemed real because I’m the one who attaches to people– K. was always transcendent in that way, at least as I remember her. Good enough to move on from people, from situations that called for her to leave.
&this is key: as I remember her. Whoever is in my dream is an apparition, ghost of a part of a person who has gone on through so many selves I haven’t seen…
So why these dreams? What am I to get out of them? That I’m obsessive & should get my head checked? Last night’s was admittedly more complicated (they usually are), & waking I discriminate, pull out the parts that disturb me (i.e. obsessive dreaming about a woman I’m in contact with less than once a year, if that).
Christ Church, in a way, makes sense as a location. Father Kell is always there, even if he isn’t now. I wanted to be a priest while I attended there, through much of it. When I started to think about my life as a spiritual person, all its tails & associations, I had to leave the church, that idea for my own… safety. Now I’m safe & listening again & it has become apparent that I will be unavoidably spiritual & attracted to spiritual vocations. Even after having an experience that lead me to personally reaffirm this attraction I’ve been reluctant to give it full attention. The way I gave it my full attention in the past was unhealthy… not what I want right now, but it’s the model I have?
I don’t know how to make sense of this. Perhaps its too early. Certainly scary to admit, but doing something is much better than stewing in these dreams& the thoughts they produce.
So I’ve been in the midst of a “spiritual” action plan, trying to figure out who to listen to (I guess, it just occurred to me that I may be evading the listening by trying to control it…). Trying to meditate everyday with Devin. Attending the Unitarian-Universalist Fellowship when I can (because I can sing there)(& because U-U values resonate with me). Trying to attend some Zen events, Quaker meeting, maybe. Getting involved in things I believe in (Planned Parenthood Activist Council, for one). Increased awareness of how I treat other people, what I do through withholding & (then) fearless bombing with personal information once I’ve made sure the ground is clear (need to strive for balance, less fear).
Is this the next step? Why am I not writing? HOW CAN I BE OPEN TO WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO LEARN?
Must meditate today. & sing, & breathe. Be open to temporary answers.
