I did not wake up feeling grateful this morning.
I didn’t sleep well. Caffeine & beer & the fact that asleep Devin likes sleepcuddles (while awake Devin swears he can’t sleep while cuddling) conspired to interrupt my dreams. & who sleeps well when stuffed with corn chips? I never do.
I don’t remember this. I bought the new issue of Whole Living with a vow that I would remember how my crappy eating was making me feel. A vow that always dissolves when the clock strikes 8pm & I want sugar.
I burned out. It’s a distinct feeling, I remember it from my senior year of college. Even my relaxation over the past few months hasn’t been relaxing, it’s been tainted by “should-be-doings.”
I keep hitting what I think is a bottom, an impetus to change. I cycle back. I talk down to myself. I maintain the most ridiculous of standards & always miss. & sometimes significantly.
I keep receiving “happy thanksgiving” texts from the people I’ve neglected this fall.
I try to be grateful. Make a practice of it. (I swear, I’ve kept a gratitude journal since the break-up as a defense against self-pity or whatever else might crop up & cropped up anyway.)
I’m at work. I can’t tell the difference between the notion of “protecting myself” & the notion of acting in my best interest.
What is one supposed to do when one’s boyfriend is going through a difficult time? The saintly, loving answer: be patient, wait.
I feel like I’ve been there before. The problem is that the expectation could become waiting forever. The problem is that I would wait with no promise that things will change.
If I believe things will change, I am ignoring a deep history that suggests this is insane. I’ve been patient before. Partners have promised change to me before, but really that’s not a valid option. My options are either to accept the situation as it is or leave–
The difference between this & past situations is that history does suggest that D. will pull through this. That I will pull through whatever’s been ailing me, too. (Namely: over three months of trying to behave like a robot with very little healthy downtime).
I rented Bridesmaids the other day. Stopped working at 9. My to-do list is a disgrace. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to make time to apply to fellowships/residencies, that I can convince myself to do it.
It’s okay (maybe). It doesn’t make me a bad person not to make decisions now, to just sit here & wait on it, to be open to the possibility of being moved or changed. It doesn’t make me stupid or weak to hold out to see if what I think I want can be what I want.
& if it does (according to who?), if I’m settling, if someone else’s idea of what might make me happy might make me happier than what I set out to try myself, let me be stupid & weak, I suppose–
(I just wish I felt happy).
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The problem (or unproblem) is that, beyond happiness, there’s a deep-seated joy that I associate with being with D. Joy even in the difficulty & sadness. It is scary sometimes & eludes sadness. I occasionally accuse myself of being weak or this feeling as being problematic because I can’t articulate it & fear that maybe it means that I don’t feel complete on my own.
This isn’t an issue of completeness. It’s an issue of accepting that something works for me, that I might choose joy & feeling over being the smart poem, over reason.
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I did feel happy when CA Conrad was in town last weekend.
I felt grateful for my poetry community, for being able to share poetry.
I just wish I could convince myself that no one actually feels like they know how to be a person.
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I am grateful. Grateful for this job, what it’s taught me about what it takes to take care of another person, & subsequently take care of myself. I need to say no, craft boundaries yet still create opportunities for generosity.
Grateful for all of the people who love me even when I disappear or get drunk &/or dramatic &/or downright crazy & “too intense.”
Grateful for Boise, its foothills & rivers & budding arts communities.
Grateful for the appropriate abstractions– for faith & resources.
Grateful for second chances, that I can always try to change again tomorrow, & the next day–
