I love the concept of weekends that force me to see where I’m not yet living the way I intend, boldy throwing about words whose definitions need to change once I hit a resting place for them– always inadequate. The weekends themselves? Difficult, but immensly satisfying.
What does it mean for me to be transparent? To [...]
Entries Tagged as ‘personal entry’
October 26, 2009
better // different
October 22, 2009
i will do what you ask me to do / because of how i feel about you
Can’t convince myself to sleep quite yet. Need to be writing more. Exhausted. Hands smell like cinnamon, fingers like fig jam. Drinking Gingerbread Cookie tea. Wanted to eat the apple bits from the pot.
Devin arrives on Sunday. I’ve been craving intimacy in inconvenient ways. Checked my email & facebook over a hundred times today, easy. [...]
October 14, 2009
two truths & a truth.
Yes, I currently have swine flu.
Yes, I went to the emergency room for the first time for something besides a bodily injury for the first time since I was eight or nine.
Yes, my grandfather died on Saturday morning.
Yes, yes, yes.
All I can seem to do is bask in the absurdity& spend lots of money trying [...]
August 11, 2009
on how to want to want to be open to others
Let’s be honest here: the only thing I am consistently considerate of is my own navel& I am insecure about the responses I offer, always afraid of being wrong, of asking too much, of assuming that I am wanted, that I deserve someone’s time. The worst thing in my mind is to be imposing, to [...]
July 31, 2009
the economy of relationship
Meditating– it dawned on me that I miss music, that easier expression, untranslated (I don’t have to translate into words) when I haven’t arrived at that point where I can discover the next thing in words.
Why am I an artist? Working with my hands would be such a fantastic cloak. Sometimes this is too hard, [...]
July 23, 2009
if by force
Sitting here forcing myself to write with windows full of mosquitos/ strange connection to visitation lingers from the other day (what am I supposed to learn?)
These next few entries will be boring as I get back into the practice of being interesting. Need to sing, exercise, & meditate still today. I’m getting flabby, fleshy– makes [...]
July 21, 2009
is this a drum on her head?
Writing in here though I’m supposed to have a poem tomorrow– not sure if this is the best use of my time.
While meditating, it felt like mosquitos were attacking me& I attempted to transcend the itch& failed, ended up scratching my arm raw& this was an hour ago& it got me thinking about this special [...]
June 27, 2009
nave of the apparition looks like…
Hello, it is morning & I’m going to talk to you about spirituality– maybe. Devin& I were supposed to go to a Zen thing this morning but he was having trouble breathing while I dreamt about Christ Church & K. for likely the fifth night in a row. Still not sure what I should be [...]
May 23, 2009
thinks of lake superior
The feeling that stagnates between “detached” & “invicible.”
Get stuck there. Self-destruction– palpable. Don’t want to watch my thoughts, just want to eat this bag of m&ms, drink this handle of tequila.
Don’t know why I land there, but can’t just step out of it. Slow climb to awareness.
Easier, still see my shoeprints from last time. Two [...]
April 22, 2009
What is the definition of apology, really?
Having trouble focusing. Keep trying to center my mind, bring myself back to the breath
but this morning’s emotions feel impossible. Disobeyed, slept in, feel envious
of those who can deliberately form relationships rather than simply incidentally
let them form, or let them form out of the other’s interest in my interests, introversion, navel-gazing.
I can pretend this room [...]
