I feel overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude right now & if I don’t express it I think I’ll burst but Facebook didn’t seem like the right platform (too much of a performance, not that this isn’t?)–
I have a fridge full of fresh produce that a woman I love dearly grows largely on her own terms. I miss farming, being close to the land, that kind of intelligence.
I get to wake up next to a man that I love more than I knew I could & I don’t doubt it– last night I felt the terror of knowing that he loves me perhaps unconditionally, that he’s not in a constant state of evaluating whether I am “right”– he is as curious about me as I am about him. I am excited to see my friends back east because they are some of the only other people that I know accept me in that way. & my mom. & M. I don’t think I treated myself that way until I got to therapy in October. I know now that I needed to love myself in that way before I could construct a life with someone
Even if “love” is a construct, like most constructs it can be very helpful–
Tuesday, P will have been sober for a year & I’ve never been as proud of anyone, ever. My eyes well up with tears just thinking about it. I’m simultaneously touched & embarrassed by my physical reaction.
It’s the last day of camp today, which is bittersweet. I finally feel like a competent, confident teacher, like I enjoy teaching. Maybe P’s mom is right, I should look into getting a teaching credential, but that is just one idea of many.
These mornings have been rare lately, as I’ve been bogged down navigating how to set some sort of foundation for my life that includes access to medical care & intellectually fulfilling work. But right now I do feel like anything is possible, that I can make room for all the things I value in my life. It doesn’t matter that I’ve gained twenty pounds, or that I can’t seem to quit meat or coffee. I love this mess, & I’m excited for the not-knowing–